Alzheimer's - A New Experience

I haven't been on this blog in a long time and I'm pretty sure that's not the first time I've said that. With the changes that have taken place in my family's life in recent months, however, my sister suggested it might be a good idea to start writing again. That it might be therapeutic even - for me and perhaps others out there in the blogosphere. So here I am.

Six months ago, my husband's parents came to live with us. We moved them here from Europe due to health issues and the lack of help available to them where they were. My Mother-In-Law (MIL) is wheelchair bound and requires some help here and there, mostly with transferring; my Father-in-Law (FIL) is in mid-late stage Alzheimer's. My MIL speaks English fairly well but my FIL has lost it completely. He's reverted back to his original language. He used to speak English perfectly but now even his native language is understandable only 10% of the time and I don't speak that at all.

Where do I even begin with this tale? Life has become a challenge none of us saw coming, though in retrospect, there were signs, hints and glimpses if any one of us had been of a mind to decipher them. We weren't and we didn't. Even when it became apparent, denial has a way of proving itself a force to contend with. It's amazing how much he's deteriorated in such a short amount of time. I'm sure the move had something to do with that. It's hard on every single one of us. We'd had hopes of how things might be when they came here. No doubt they did too. Visions of going out to eat, to church, to school functions, etc. have not quite played out as envisioned. Disappointment sets in but that's life and we all do what we can to help, to keep things as normal as possible and to remember to have fun in spite of the challenges. But it's hard. Did I say that already?

Even though my FIL is in the mid-late stages of the disease, we're only beginning to wade through the confusion of how best to help him - where to go, who to talk to, etc. Some of my MIL's health issues have had to take precedence out of urgency or necessity so it's taking precious time to get his diagnosis, a treatment plan and to determine the best route to take for his care. They've been so dependent on each other for so long but the worse he gets, the more that dynamic changes. It's a worry and a stress on everybody both directly or indirectly. Tears come from time to time, at least for my MIL and me. For me, the tears are more of a pressure release. For her it's that but it's also grief over what she's lost and currently losing. I think Nancy Reagan said it best when she called it The Long Goodbye.

Because this is so new to my family and me, if you have in the past or are currently dealing with Alzheimer's, I would certainly welcome your comments and advice on what helped you and your loved one(s) to cope.

Thank you!

My Anxious Heart

Writing must be some kind of outlet for me or something. The last couple of years have been a season of relative ease. Not that there haven't been challenges to overcome, there have, but overall, life's been pretty steady. And I haven't been on here much. I tend to write more in the midst of challenge. I guess it's my way of trying to figure things out. Trying to make sense out of the tangled web of thoughts in my brain. It's pretty messy in here at the moment.

About three weeks ago or so I began having trouble sleeping. I wake up nightly around 3am and can't fall back to sleep until maybe 5 or 6, if at all. About 2 weeks ago, I started having a recurrence of Restless Legs Syndrome which is the urge or need to move one's legs to stop creepy-crawly sensations in the legs. It's very annoying. I had it years ago but it stopped and haven't dealt with it until recently. I've also had a rise in bouts with IBS over the last 2-3 weeks. If you don't know what that is, I'll just define it as stomach problems and leave it at that.

So what's the connection? What happened 2-3 weeks ago that might bring all of this on? My hubby and I came to the decision to bring his parents here to live with us, indefinitely. His dad's been diagnosed in the early stages of Alzheimer's and his mom is physically disabled, confined to a wheelchair. They live out of the country and have no one to take care of them there. They need to be here. They need to be with all of us and I want them here. The plans to move them are officially underway and by mid-summer, our family unit will grow by two.

I love my in-laws and have a good relationship with them. They're mom and dad to me and they love me too. That being said, I'm anxious about this change. I know it's the right thing. To NOT bring them here would be unacceptable in their circumstances. My anxiety is also understandable but I need to get it under control. I've got numerous scriptures going through my head about worry and anxiety. During the day, especially, I actually think I've got a good, rational handle on things. But come nighttime, my body's telling a different story. I have this picture in my head of a pressure cooker at full boil, trying to keep the lid on while the pot shakes and sputters. It's a pretty accurate picture, I think.

Maybe the answer is not so much found in controlling my anxiety but releasing it. I can't control the unforeseeable. Frankly, even once I see it, there's a lot I won't be able to control. As earthly seasons change, so it seems spiritual seasons do as well. I'm turning a corner from a season of relative ease into a season of preparation and training. Perhaps the Lord is showing me I need to develop some new habits that will strengthen me and help me to meet the challenges that lie ahead so I can be a blessing to two people who mean so much. Two people who are about to face some very difficult challenges of their own.

By His grace and in His strength...
Be blessed.
Melanie

My Lockness

I wrote this two years ago and am re-posting in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Deep within my right breast,
lurks a mysterious little something – I've named it Lockness.
Now, you might be thinking "This girl’s insane" but just sit tight and I’ll explain.

You see, I recently went for my annual exam and was handed a script for a mammogram.
I know it’s important for this to be done; I am, after all, past year 41.
So I made my appointment; I didn’t have to be pushed
To lay my breasts down and get alternately squished.

I was neither surprised to receive the next call.
“Additional views needed.” It’s routine, after all.
So I promptly was scheduled, put my right boob on the plate
and was then sent to the hall and asked…to just...wait…

Well, wait I sure did for what felt a long time.
Others came and they went; I felt less than fine.
Red flags shot up as people whispered my name.
“Just gathering information” was the only answer that came.
There’s an area of concern, I finally was told.
An ultrasound was needed. I suddenly felt cold.

I was led to a room and asked to lie down.
The last ultrasound I had, my belly was all round.
But a baby was not what this was about.
I tried to stay positive and fought off my doubt.

I could view the screen easily and was fascinated to see
What looked like an ocean – well, it did to me.
And that’s when I saw it – what they were looking for.
A dark shadowy something. Was that it? Would there be more?

She zeroed in on the area and measured, more or less.
And that’s when it struck me – that monster called Lockness.
It bobbed up and down, this threat in my breast.
I thought “I’m so weird” as she finished the test.

But happy I wasn’t and I started to pray
For peace while I waited to hear what they'd say.
Would my Lockness have teeth? The radiologist wasn’t sure.
But a biopsy would certainly tell everyone more.

I met with a surgeon the very next day.
She doesn’t think that it’s cancer. It doesn’t look that way.
She said cancer cells are jagged and much darker too.
But go ahead with the biopsy - try not to let it worry you.

So, a core-needle biopsy I’ll soon undergo.
And await the results that will finally show
If a cancerous threat lurks within my right breast…
This suspicious area I call Lockness.

-----------------------------

Well, my story has an ending and it brought great relief
To learn that my Lockness had absolutely NO TEETH!

My results were benign, no cancer in sight.
But someone else just today learned she'll have to fight.
She's scared and confused, unsure how this will end.
Please say a prayer for this one, then get tested, my friend.

It doesn't take long, a firm squish and it's done.
Let's stay on our guard 'till the cancer-battle's been won!

Be blessed!
Melanie

Love's Story

Once upon a time in a land not far away,
A young man met a girl
18 years ago, Labor Day.

They’d seen each other at church, said the usual hi’s & bye’s.
He thought she was pretty; She thought him so handsome,
Especially, his big brown eyes.

They met at a party of a mutual friend.
They talked and they flirted all day ‘till the end.
Phone numbers exchanged, a quick peck on the cheek.
She couldn’t help but smile as she thought of him all week.

A phone call soon followed, at her job no less.
He’d been thinking of her too; she was very impressed.

After a few short months, they’d fallen in love.
They felt enormously blessed by their God above.
A proposal of marriage came on the 12th of December.
And the wedding that followed, they’d always remember.

For the last 17 years, the young man and his bride
Have had a blessed life; yes, it’s been quite a ride.
I wish I could say every day is care free.
But it is a union of two people who are as different as can be.

Though years have passed, this girl still loves her man,
Their life and their kids and how he still takes her hand.
Her heart still skips a beat when he comes into view,
Because she knows that he loves her with all of his heart too.

The best part of this story? It’s 100 percent true!
Happy Anniversary, my love - I’ll always love you!!!

The Hero Heart of God

I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately. The last couple of days in particular I've realized in words something I've always felt. My dad was my hero and demonstrated to me a glimpse of the hero heart of God.

My dad was my protector. Mind you, he wasn't a very big man in stature. Shorter than most, really. But if angered or sent into Papa Bear mode, even the biggest man was wise to think twice before messing with him. When I was chased by neighborhood kids, one look at my father's face made them turn tail and run the other way; and one of my most cherished memories was when I was 13 and in the hospital because of a car accident, my dad took charge and walked thru that hospital like he owned the place. He was there before visiting hours and stayed as late as he deemed necessary and no one would have been able to stop him without a fight. When I was little, he took me to an amusement park and I wanted to try that ride with the swings that swing way out and round and round. When I became scared to death, my father tried with all his might to get the guy to stop that ride. Honestly, I thought he might punch him. My dad did everything he could to "save" me. As scared as I was, I absolutely loved him for how hard he was trying to get to me. When the ride finally stopped, he scooped me into his strong arms and made me feel safe again.

Yesterday, my sister and niece were in a pretty bad car accident. My dad's been gone for 10 years now but our Abba Father, "an ever-present help in times of trouble" (Psalm 46:1) took charge of the situation. His angels protected them in that car and good friends - some my sister's, some my niece's - immediately showed up at the scene seemingly from out of nowhere helping them and calming them while they waiting for the police and ambulance. The car is wrecked, probably totaled but they are both home and fine albeit with a few bumps and bruises. God is my Hero - and theirs.

Like my dad, God has protected me from some things, comforted me thru others. Unlike my dad, though, who ultimately had to yield to authority in a given situation, my Father God IS the Authority in EVERY situation and nothing and nobody gets in His way when it comes to His beloved children.

I love the Hero heart of God and am thankful to have had an example of it in my earthly father.

Be blessed.
Melanie

Sometimes it best to start small

You know how "they" say it's best to "face your fears"? I don't know why they say that. I'm much more comfortable dodging, dancing around and and all out avoiding them at all costs. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I could face fear without the fear facing me back. Or better yet if I could look at it through a peephole on the other side of a high, long fence. Unfortunately you can only dodge for just so long. Today, I was finally face-to-face with one of my biggest fears - THE DENTIST.

I hate dentists. Well, I don't have a problem with them as people - just what they do for a living. And really, what they do is fine - it's downright helpful even - as long as they're not having to do it to me. It's an irrational fear of mine, rooted long ago by a butcher of a dentist I went to as a kid. He was HORRIBLE! And so, the last time I went to a dentist - any dentist - was 29 years ago. No, that's not a typo. I'm embarrassed to say I haven't been to a dentist in 29 years. Until today, that is.

Honestly 29 years is pretty good if you think of it. I seem to have taken good enough care of my teeth to last me this long (*this is me justifying and rationalizing the neglect of my teeth*). If it weren't for the fact that I cracked my tooth a couple of years ago, I might not even have to be going now. Yes, I should have gone when it first happened but I figured it wasn't hurting or bothering me, so why mess with a good thing?

Well, I'm hurtin' now. Friday night during dinner I absentmindedly did something I don't normally do - chew on that side of my mouth. The food hit that tooth and I saw stars and was in terrible pain most of the weekend. By the absolute grace of God, the pain has minimized significantly - not gone, mind you, but oh sweet mercy, it's much better.

It's obvious I have no choice but to get that sucker out of my mouth. It's like childbirth. Most of us are terrified by the concept of it, but by the time you reach the end, all you want is to GET IT OUT!!! That's where I'm at. But I'm still really scared. I was all set with an appointment this morning and comforted oh-so-slightly by the fact that they do "sedation dentistry". If I have to go, I want to go in, be completely knocked out, wake up and it's all done and I was oblivious to all of it. And that's what I was told would happen when I made the appointment. Unfortunately, it seems I was misinformed. So...nothing got done today. Sorry, being conscious is a deal breaker for me. They were all really understanding though, which was very nice and they made an appointment for me with an oral surgeon for tomorrow morning who will definitely send me to la-la land for the duration of the procedure. YAY

So, I'm kind of proud of myself. I broke my shameful 29-year dental-avoidance streak today. I saw him, he saw me; he even looked at my teeth. Nothing got done but hey, baby steps, right?

Hebrews 13:6 "We can say with confidence, the Lord is my helper. I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" :)

Be blessed.
Melanie

Catching Up

Where does the time go? The last time I posted was MAY? Really? This is becoming as bad as keeping up with my diary when I was a kid. Trust me, that's pretty bad. I've always had an interest in keeping a journal, a diary or whatever but consistency is a problem with me, I guess. I think a lot and I often think it would be so good to get these thoughts on paper. The sad thing is I'm so terribly distracted and by the time I get a pen and find one of the bazillion journals I've collected over the years and actually sit down to write the profound(?) thoughts I've been thinking...the thought's gone. It's sad, really. I'm sure at some point I've figured out some pretty important stuff but now we'll never know. Oh well.

So let's see. The whole point of this post is to get you all caught up on the mundaneness, adventures of my life since May. Well, a couple of seasons have come and gone so maybe I'll just stick to a highlight or two.

The biggest I guess would be our foray into homeschooling. Yes, I am now a homeschool mom to my daughter. My son is still in the public school but my daughter had a rough time last year adjusting to the new school. Not academically - she did very well in that department. It was more emotionally, I guess. There were a lot of things she was experiencing that took her from being a kid who LOVED school to one who couldn't wait to be done with it. Plus I had more than a few qualms with the way things are handled there myself. So we decided to give homeschooling a try this year with the idea that we'd take it on a year-by-year basis.

It's been a bumpy start but I have hopes it'll get better. I'd like to say when the school year is done that, at the very least, we have no regrets, made some good memories and learned a thing or two in the process. I can definitely say I enjoy having this time with her. I like her. I mean, of course I do - I love her. But even if I wasn't her mom, I'd like her. She's fun and sweet and smart. And she loves Jesus and I just like the way she thinks. She's got a big heart, full of compassion. Anyway, I'm liking spending this time with her. Not that she's not a pain in the butt at times 'cause she IS 12 and I have to constantly keep on her to get her work done and stop goofin' off. But overall so far, so good.

The other big thing in my life is Bible study. A friend of mine had facilitated a couple of our studies but then she had to move. So, because she flat-left (Love you, Rach!), I've been doing it. I think it's going ok so far - at least I certainly pray so. Our very small group just finished up Beth Moore's "Stepping Up" study on the Psalms of Ascent. With the holidays upon us, we decided we still want to meet but we agreed that anything with homework would be a little overwhelming. SOooo, we're going to gather for the next few weeks to view three videos from Beth's "Wising Up" series. We're looking forward to it.

So how about you? What's been happening in your little corner of the world?

Be blessed...
Melanie