Letting the Dust Settle

As it turns out, my last post was the breaking point. Things got really bad that day. I mean, really bad. Scary bad. My husband ended up cutting his trip short, getting home very late that night. He brought his dad to the hospital for evaluation the next day. My FIL stayed there for a few days and from there was transferred to a skilled nursing facility that specializes in Alzheimer's. It's a sad place but unless you can pay big bucks for a really nice facility, your choices are severely limited. Unfortunately this is where he needs to be from this point on. We could no longer handle his violent outbursts. The stress on everyone was just too much and safety had become a major factor for all involved.

It's been a rough, emotional couple of weeks since. We did as much as we could for as long as we could and one might think it should have been an easy decision - a no-brainer but there was absolutely nothing easy about it. Just necessary. And yes, right. I don't have many regrets about having him here as long as we did but among them are the effect it had on my kids. It was hard on them. The grandfather they knew, loved, and enjoyed being with is gone, overtaken by an illness that has made their once loving grandfather awkward and increasingly scary to be around. It's so sad.

The dust, however, is beginning to settle. The tears don't flow quite as often for my MIL. Her sister is going to stay with us for a while. That's a huge blessing for all of us. My FIL seems to be adjusting ok to his new home. I put a photo collage together for him to hang on his wall, which he seems to like and will bring pictures that the kids have made to him periodically. My hope is that it will not only make him smile but let the people who work there realize that he's not just another one of their Alzheimer's patients. I want them to see a little of who he was before Alzheimer's hit and changed him; a man who has family and friends who love him still. I want them to see him as special, to feel and show him kindness and compassion. That's my hope.

I'm so thankful for God and the way He's taken care of us through all of this. No, it's not the way, I would prefer but I trust in His sovereignty and am grateful to see His hand of mercy over and over. I pray He touches your life in just the way you need it today.

I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2

Be blessed.
Melanie

One of Those Days

It's been another bad day. My FIL gets worse in his Alzheimers by the day it seems sometimes. There's no telling what will set him off. He can start out fine when he gets up and then the least little thing happens and it's downhill from there.

He likes to take the trash out to the garbage bin every day and this morning I wouldn't let him because the thing we've worked so hard to prevent from happening, did the other day. He snuck out and disappeared. I found him walking on a main road and managed to get him to come in the car with me. He uses the garbage thing as a means to get out the door.  That's not how he did it the other day but that's his general method. However because someone has to unlock the door to let him do that, we're able to keep an eye on where he goes and prevent him from going very far.

Well, since his disappearing act the other day, I'm not even letting him out the front door anymore because he doesn't listen to me. This makes him very mad as it did this morning and he's been on a tear ever since, grumbling under his breath everytime I go by and giving me dirty looks all day.

The man I came to call dad when I married his son is not the man that lives with us today. Alzheimer's has taken that man. I miss him. He was lighthearted and fun. Opinionated but kind. Irritating at times but loving and a proud grandfather. 

My house is very stressful today and my hubby's not home. This stuff wears on my nerves nearly to the point of tears sometimes. I've been praying for the peace of God to fall over my house or at least my heart all day today. I'm thankful I have God in my life because I don't know how I'd function without Him giving me strength for the day. Even when the tears come, I thank God for the ability to cry because it's a pressure release. I might explode otherwise.

As my dad used to say, "This too shall pass." And it will. This is but for a season. I just pray when all is said and done, that there will have been more days where I was patient, kind, loving and strong than days where I dropped the ball. As a friend of mine says, In His strength and by His grace.

Be blessed.
Melanie

Living With Alzheimer's

Locks on the doors,
Locks on the screens,
Soon locking the pantry
Keep the keys unseen.

Maintaining the peace,
Preventing a fight,
Thinking ahead
So he can't take flight.

Keeping him safe
Is the primary goal.
Regularly missing
What Alzheimer's stole.

Stress is a constant companion these days.
Finding moments of peace
In small, fleeting ways.

Hearing him laugh
Or seeing him smile,
Makes long days better
At least for a while.

But the day is soon coming
That we'll all have to face.
Moving him out
To a different place.

Until that day comes,
We strive for safety and ease.
I hate Alzheimer's.
I hate this disease.

Alzheimer's - A New Experience

I haven't been on this blog in a long time and I'm pretty sure that's not the first time I've said that. With the changes that have taken place in my family's life in recent months, however, my sister suggested it might be a good idea to start writing again. That it might be therapeutic even - for me and perhaps others out there in the blogosphere. So here I am.

Six months ago, my husband's parents came to live with us. We moved them here from Europe due to health issues and the lack of help available to them where they were. My Mother-In-Law (MIL) is wheelchair bound and requires some help here and there, mostly with transferring; my Father-in-Law (FIL) is in mid-late stage Alzheimer's. My MIL speaks English fairly well but my FIL has lost it completely. He's reverted back to his original language. He used to speak English perfectly but now even his native language is understandable only 10% of the time and I don't speak that at all.

Where do I even begin with this tale? Life has become a challenge none of us saw coming, though in retrospect, there were signs, hints and glimpses if any one of us had been of a mind to decipher them. We weren't and we didn't. Even when it became apparent, denial has a way of proving itself a force to contend with. It's amazing how much he's deteriorated in such a short amount of time. I'm sure the move had something to do with that. It's hard on every single one of us. We'd had hopes of how things might be when they came here. No doubt they did too. Visions of going out to eat, to church, to school functions, etc. have not quite played out as envisioned. Disappointment sets in but that's life and we all do what we can to help, to keep things as normal as possible and to remember to have fun in spite of the challenges. But it's hard. Did I say that already?

Even though my FIL is in the mid-late stages of the disease, we're only beginning to wade through the confusion of how best to help him - where to go, who to talk to, etc. Some of my MIL's health issues have had to take precedence out of urgency or necessity so it's taking precious time to get his diagnosis, a treatment plan and to determine the best route to take for his care. They've been so dependent on each other for so long but the worse he gets, the more that dynamic changes. It's a worry and a stress on everybody both directly or indirectly. Tears come from time to time, at least for my MIL and me. For me, the tears are more of a pressure release. For her it's that but it's also grief over what she's lost and currently losing. I think Nancy Reagan said it best when she called it The Long Goodbye.

Because this is so new to my family and me, if you have in the past or are currently dealing with Alzheimer's, I would certainly welcome your comments and advice on what helped you and your loved one(s) to cope.

Thank you!

My Anxious Heart

Writing must be some kind of outlet for me or something. The last couple of years have been a season of relative ease. Not that there haven't been challenges to overcome, there have, but overall, life's been pretty steady. And I haven't been on here much. I tend to write more in the midst of challenge. I guess it's my way of trying to figure things out. Trying to make sense out of the tangled web of thoughts in my brain. It's pretty messy in here at the moment.

About three weeks ago or so I began having trouble sleeping. I wake up nightly around 3am and can't fall back to sleep until maybe 5 or 6, if at all. About 2 weeks ago, I started having a recurrence of Restless Legs Syndrome which is the urge or need to move one's legs to stop creepy-crawly sensations in the legs. It's very annoying. I had it years ago but it stopped and haven't dealt with it until recently. I've also had a rise in bouts with IBS over the last 2-3 weeks. If you don't know what that is, I'll just define it as stomach problems and leave it at that.

So what's the connection? What happened 2-3 weeks ago that might bring all of this on? My hubby and I came to the decision to bring his parents here to live with us, indefinitely. His dad's been diagnosed in the early stages of Alzheimer's and his mom is physically disabled, confined to a wheelchair. They live out of the country and have no one to take care of them there. They need to be here. They need to be with all of us and I want them here. The plans to move them are officially underway and by mid-summer, our family unit will grow by two.

I love my in-laws and have a good relationship with them. They're mom and dad to me and they love me too. That being said, I'm anxious about this change. I know it's the right thing. To NOT bring them here would be unacceptable in their circumstances. My anxiety is also understandable but I need to get it under control. I've got numerous scriptures going through my head about worry and anxiety. During the day, especially, I actually think I've got a good, rational handle on things. But come nighttime, my body's telling a different story. I have this picture in my head of a pressure cooker at full boil, trying to keep the lid on while the pot shakes and sputters. It's a pretty accurate picture, I think.

Maybe the answer is not so much found in controlling my anxiety but releasing it. I can't control the unforeseeable. Frankly, even once I see it, there's a lot I won't be able to control. As earthly seasons change, so it seems spiritual seasons do as well. I'm turning a corner from a season of relative ease into a season of preparation and training. Perhaps the Lord is showing me I need to develop some new habits that will strengthen me and help me to meet the challenges that lie ahead so I can be a blessing to two people who mean so much. Two people who are about to face some very difficult challenges of their own.

By His grace and in His strength...
Be blessed.
Melanie

My Lockness

I wrote this two years ago and am re-posting in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Deep within my right breast,
lurks a mysterious little something – I've named it Lockness.
Now, you might be thinking "This girl’s insane" but just sit tight and I’ll explain.

You see, I recently went for my annual exam and was handed a script for a mammogram.
I know it’s important for this to be done; I am, after all, past year 41.
So I made my appointment; I didn’t have to be pushed
To lay my breasts down and get alternately squished.

I was neither surprised to receive the next call.
“Additional views needed.” It’s routine, after all.
So I promptly was scheduled, put my right boob on the plate
and was then sent to the hall and asked…to just...wait…

Well, wait I sure did for what felt a long time.
Others came and they went; I felt less than fine.
Red flags shot up as people whispered my name.
“Just gathering information” was the only answer that came.
There’s an area of concern, I finally was told.
An ultrasound was needed. I suddenly felt cold.

I was led to a room and asked to lie down.
The last ultrasound I had, my belly was all round.
But a baby was not what this was about.
I tried to stay positive and fought off my doubt.

I could view the screen easily and was fascinated to see
What looked like an ocean – well, it did to me.
And that’s when I saw it – what they were looking for.
A dark shadowy something. Was that it? Would there be more?

She zeroed in on the area and measured, more or less.
And that’s when it struck me – that monster called Lockness.
It bobbed up and down, this threat in my breast.
I thought “I’m so weird” as she finished the test.

But happy I wasn’t and I started to pray
For peace while I waited to hear what they'd say.
Would my Lockness have teeth? The radiologist wasn’t sure.
But a biopsy would certainly tell everyone more.

I met with a surgeon the very next day.
She doesn’t think that it’s cancer. It doesn’t look that way.
She said cancer cells are jagged and much darker too.
But go ahead with the biopsy - try not to let it worry you.

So, a core-needle biopsy I’ll soon undergo.
And await the results that will finally show
If a cancerous threat lurks within my right breast…
This suspicious area I call Lockness.

-----------------------------

Well, my story has an ending and it brought great relief
To learn that my Lockness had absolutely NO TEETH!

My results were benign, no cancer in sight.
But someone else just today learned she'll have to fight.
She's scared and confused, unsure how this will end.
Please say a prayer for this one, then get tested, my friend.

It doesn't take long, a firm squish and it's done.
Let's stay on our guard 'till the cancer-battle's been won!

Be blessed!
Melanie

Love's Story

Once upon a time in a land not far away,
A young man met a girl
18 years ago, Labor Day.

They’d seen each other at church, said the usual hi’s & bye’s.
He thought she was pretty; She thought him so handsome,
Especially, his big brown eyes.

They met at a party of a mutual friend.
They talked and they flirted all day ‘till the end.
Phone numbers exchanged, a quick peck on the cheek.
She couldn’t help but smile as she thought of him all week.

A phone call soon followed, at her job no less.
He’d been thinking of her too; she was very impressed.

After a few short months, they’d fallen in love.
They felt enormously blessed by their God above.
A proposal of marriage came on the 12th of December.
And the wedding that followed, they’d always remember.

For the last 17 years, the young man and his bride
Have had a blessed life; yes, it’s been quite a ride.
I wish I could say every day is care free.
But it is a union of two people who are as different as can be.

Though years have passed, this girl still loves her man,
Their life and their kids and how he still takes her hand.
Her heart still skips a beat when he comes into view,
Because she knows that he loves her with all of his heart too.

The best part of this story? It’s 100 percent true!
Happy Anniversary, my love - I’ll always love you!!!