Monday, February 6, 2012

My Anxious Heart

Writing must be some kind of outlet for me or something. The last couple of years have been a season of relative ease. Not that there haven't been challenges to overcome, there have, but overall, life's been pretty steady. And I haven't been on here much. I tend to write more in the midst of challenge. I guess it's my way of trying to figure things out. Trying to make sense out of the tangled web of thoughts in my brain. It's pretty messy in here at the moment.

About three weeks ago or so I began having trouble sleeping. I wake up nightly around 3am and can't fall back to sleep until maybe 5 or 6, if at all. About 2 weeks ago, I started having a recurrence of Restless Legs Syndrome which is the urge or need to move one's legs to stop creepy-crawly sensations in the legs. It's very annoying. I had it years ago but it stopped and haven't dealt with it until recently. I've also had a rise in bouts with IBS over the last 2-3 weeks. If you don't know what that is, I'll just define it as stomach problems and leave it at that.

So what's the connection? What happened 2-3 weeks ago that might bring all of this on? My hubby and I came to the decision to bring his parents here to live with us, indefinitely. His dad's been diagnosed in the early stages of Alzheimer's and his mom is physically disabled, confined to a wheelchair. They live out of the country and have no one to take care of them there. They need to be here. They need to be with all of us and I want them here. The plans to move them are officially underway and by mid-summer, our family unit will grow by two.

I love my in-laws and have a good relationship with them. They're mom and dad to me and they love me too. That being said, I'm anxious about this change. I know it's the right thing. To NOT bring them here would be unacceptable in their circumstances. My anxiety is also understandable but I need to get it under control. I've got numerous scriptures going through my head about worry and anxiety. During the day, especially, I actually think I've got a good, rational handle on things. But come nighttime, my body's telling a different story. I have this picture in my head of a pressure cooker at full boil, trying to keep the lid on while the pot shakes and sputters. It's a pretty accurate picture, I think.

Maybe the answer is not so much found in controlling my anxiety but releasing it. I can't control the unforeseeable. Frankly, even once I see it, there's a lot I won't be able to control. As earthly seasons change, so it seems spiritual seasons do as well. I'm turning a corner from a season of relative ease into a season of preparation and training. Perhaps the Lord is showing me I need to develop some new habits that will strengthen me and help me to meet the challenges that lie ahead so I can be a blessing to two people who mean so much. Two people who are about to face some very difficult challenges of their own.

By His grace and in His strength...
Be blessed.

1 comment:

Anthonystjoseph said...

As a fellow writer, I feel we write more, or better, or 'when' we are 'challenged' because it is then that we want 'us' and our 'challenges' to be understood from 'OUR' perspective ;-)

I do know that one motivation of my writing is to sway, and if I'm challenged or feeling challenged or if life is just challenging me too much, I want to sway the 'angels' in my favor to remove my challenges ~ I'm tired!