Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Standing in the Need of VICTORY

Well, I didn't sing. The physical effects of my panic attack began at 4am. By 7am, it was full-blown and I was in and out of the bathroom every 10 minutes until it was certain that I was too late for a sound check and so late that they were probably getting started. (If this isn't making any sense, please see my previous post.)

By the time I was able to leave the house, I was in tears and sobbed all the way to church. Too many times this has kept me from doing things I've wanted to do, things I believed God was leading me to do. I confess I allowed myself to sink to the lowest point ever since I began this battle with anxiety. The "out" I mentioned yesterday - the one I took and then was convicted about was also one I created to try to get out of singing. How ridiculous is that? I'm ashamed of myself. It shouldn't have come to that. While I want so badly to be used by God and am unbelievably thankful that He opened doors for me to sing again, it is just singing after all. It's not brain surgery. No one's life depends on whether or not I sing or sing with God's annointing and blessing, though I'd rather be mute than do anything in God's Name without His annointing and blessing.

That being said, I'd really like to hear from you. I fully believe I'm dealing with a generational stronghold here. But, frankly, I'm at the point that I've just had enough of it. I want victory in this area of my life once and for all. If God has brought you victory in your battle with anxiety/panic attacks, I'd very much like to hear about it if you're willing to share it.

And on a positive note, while I didn't get to sing, I did get up to share some of the things God has shown me during this year of study. I didn't plan on it though. My thoughts were in such a jumble, I couldn't think of anything to say. Until the end. Suddenly the fog lifted and my thoughts became clear. God allowed me to give Him praise anyway. Just not the way I planned. His plans are better anyway.

Be blessed.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Standing in the Need of Prayer

Ok, folks; if you read this before tomorrow (Wed), 10:30am-ish, I could really use some prayer. It's that lousy fear causing my heart to want to beat right out of my chest. Even now nearing a low-level panic attack.

Tomorrow morning, is "Sharing Day" at my women's Bible study group. Approximately 80 women or so will gather to share and testify to what God has done during this season of study. It's something to look forward to each year. This year, I have been asked to sing at the end.

Now, I always get nervous before I sing and, unfortunately, I'm not unacustomed to panic attacks either. The anxiety from anticipating this event, however, has been bad enough that I really wanted to get out of it. In fact, I got my out and took it but felt immediately convicted that I wasn't supposed to. So I have attempted to set it right and have sent an email saying I will sing if she still wants and/or needs me to.

So please pray for me. Pray that God would bless what I have to offer - if in fact, they still want me to sing. And, if so, please pray for God's peace to fall all over me. Fighting this fear is still a fairly new journey for me. In the past, I've allowed it to keep me frozen in my place, but no more. I may run to the bathroom a thousand times before I sing (too much info?), but sing I will, when I believe that's what God is asking of me.

Thank you!!!! May you be blessed.


Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Plugged In

Wow, what a great season of Bible study it's been. Yesterday we viewed the last video and thereby officially completed 'A Woman's Heart God's Dwelling Place'. I so wish someone had forwarned me to bring tissues. It was a wonderful study and I loved learning the significance of the Tabernacle and what it means for me today and forever. No spoilers here, but I highly recommend it.

I've just got to say, if you have never been part of a small-group Bible study before, can I encourage you to give it a try? Whatever your background, season of life, schedule, I guarantee God has something special to say to you from His Word. I have been a Christian more than half my life, have read my Bible on my own, but it wasn't until about 4 years ago that I participated in my first women's small-group Bible study (Beth Moore's 'Believing God'). That study changed how I go about my life. I've loved God since I was 15 years old, but God, through that study, touched my heart all over again. And that was absolutely the coolest thing in the world to me. He has and continues to speak directly into the circumstances of my life and I love that. I can't get enough. I don't know what took me so long to catch on. Jeremiah 33:3 says Call unto me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.

The other thing I've so enjoyed about small-group study has been the women I study with. We come from all denominations; have different backgrounds and history; even our ages vary. But that's what's so neat - to see how God's Word can speak so differently and so specifically to each of us in the season of life we're each in. That's only the power of God. I love Him for that. And I love what these women have come to mean to me.

May God bless you in your journey...

Friday, April 18, 2008

A Divine Jealousy

I'm jealous, Dear Jesus and it can't be right;
To envy this one so dear in Your sight.
Y'see, she's got this great passion, this fervor and love
For You, her sweet Savior sent from Heaven above.
She appreciates so all that You've done.
The sacrifice made by God's only son.

Is it okay to pray that I'd have the same?
That ferver and passion, to be overwhelmed that you came?

I've watched her on video and done studies she's written.
It's so obvious to me that, with You, she's quite smitten.
I can't help it, Dear Jesus. I want that too.
That special relationship between me and You.

Now my walk is not hers and her walk is not mine.
But with You as our Savior, both walks are Divine.

So perhaps this envy is not such a quagmire.
For perhaps You have used it to awaken desire.
Now to You, my Dear Jesus, I surrender my heart.
I give You the whole and not just a part.
Just don't let me stay as I've been before.
And I'll love you - Dear Jesus - forevermore.

I wrote this in response to Day 5 of Week 2 in Beth Moore's updated edition of A Woman's Heart, God's Dwelling Place. After next week, this particular study will over but what I've learned through it will remain for a lifetime. Thank you Jesus for this beloved sister and the way you've used her over the last few years to lovingly prod me along in this wonderful journey with You. Few will ever know this side of heaven how You have changed my life through her.

Be blessed.

Monday, April 7, 2008

The 'might' name of Jesus?

I responded the other day to a prayer request written on a blog belonging to a dear sister in the Lord. I posted my prayer and meant to end it by saying "In the mighty name of Jesus." What I wrote instead was "In the might name of Jesus." I only noticed my error this morning, felt a little embarrased and laughed as I thought 'my, that's telling, isn't it?' I guess that's how I've been feeling though - that I pray and that prayer 'might' get answered or it 'might' not. It's funny how that just sneaked out. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" Matthew 12:34(and the fingers type too, I guess). I even checked it over before I posted it. Very telling.

Now before you say anything, please know I've already got all kinds of stuff rattling around in my head (yes, it's rather noisy in here). "Where is my faith?" "If you had faith the size of a mustard seed, you could tell this mountain Move and it would be moved." (Math17:20) "The Word tells us that 'the promises of God are yes and amen." (2Cor 1:20) "The prayer of a righteous man availeth much." (James 5:16) "Sometimes, God answers yes, sometimes He says No and sometimes He says Wait but all of those are still answers." I know. And there's surely a bunch more I haven't written. Those are just the loudest ones at the moment.

Maybe I'm not even wrong about the "might". We just don't know how God is going to answer. Maybe the question is more will I trust Him no matter what the answer or, perhaps even harder, in the absence of a discernable answer? Or will I get bent out of shape and allow bitterness to creep in? Well, I certainly don't want that to happen.

I know that God is Omnicient. I also believe the words in Romans 8:28 that says "All things work together for good to them that love God and are called according to His purposes." And in Jeremiah 29:11 that says "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future." And really, the name of Jesus is 'Might'. There's no name in heaven or earth with more 'might' than Jesus. (You know I'm referring to strength here now, right?)

It's just this lingering issue of my daughter's stomach pain (as explained in previous posts). Mind you, she is significantly better, praise be to God.'s not completely gone.

Hold on a sec....

Oh my gosh. I just got an email forward and guess what the heading read...

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5.

LOL. Yes, Lord. (Thanks, Uncle Walter)

Be blessed...