Well, I didn't sing. The physical effects of my panic attack began at 4am. By 7am, it was full-blown and I was in and out of the bathroom every 10 minutes until it was certain that I was too late for a sound check and so late that they were probably getting started. (If this isn't making any sense, please see my previous post.)
By the time I was able to leave the house, I was in tears and sobbed all the way to church. Too many times this has kept me from doing things I've wanted to do, things I believed God was leading me to do. I confess I allowed myself to sink to the lowest point ever since I began this battle with anxiety. The "out" I mentioned yesterday - the one I took and then was convicted about was also one I created to try to get out of singing. How ridiculous is that? I'm ashamed of myself. It shouldn't have come to that. While I want so badly to be used by God and am unbelievably thankful that He opened doors for me to sing again, it is just singing after all. It's not brain surgery. No one's life depends on whether or not I sing or sing with God's annointing and blessing, though I'd rather be mute than do anything in God's Name without His annointing and blessing.
That being said, I'd really like to hear from you. I fully believe I'm dealing with a generational stronghold here. But, frankly, I'm at the point that I've just had enough of it. I want victory in this area of my life once and for all. If God has brought you victory in your battle with anxiety/panic attacks, I'd very much like to hear about it if you're willing to share it.
And on a positive note, while I didn't get to sing, I did get up to share some of the things God has shown me during this year of study. I didn't plan on it though. My thoughts were in such a jumble, I couldn't think of anything to say. Until the end. Suddenly the fog lifted and my thoughts became clear. God allowed me to give Him praise anyway. Just not the way I planned. His plans are better anyway.
The Big Boo Cast, Episode 81
1 week ago